Are your secondary gains sabotaging your efforts?

You may not have heard of a secondary gain before, but if you find yourself in a cycle of wanting to make a change but unable to do so then this could be why. I see this come up with my client's who want to make changes and if I am honest I also see this come up in my own life. 

A secondary gain is when an undesirable behaviour provides a desired outcome. This becomes a problem when you wish to change the undesirable behaviour, yet subconsciously you still want, need or crave the desired outcome that the undesirable behaviour brings. What this means is that even when you decide to make changes there are these hidden benefits (to our consciousness) that are sabotaging you. 

Let me give you an example. A woman may wish to stop their weekend binges of alcohol and food in order to be more consistent in her fitness journey and see results. However, the secondary gain is that she enjoy the socialising and interaction with her friends. It's also a way of her blowing off some steam after a long week at work.

You can see there is a very positive benefit to stopping this behaviour because it will bring about the physical changes she desires. However, there is an equally opposing reason/s why she should stay the same. 

You see, even though the benefits of stopping the undesired behaviour is obvious. Staying the same is easier as there is no work involved. It's safe, familiar and certain. 

Benefit of change - Not drinking alcohol will help with excess calorie consumption. It will improve overall health and mindset. It will save money.

Secondary gain of not changing - Doesn't have to do the work. Won't have to have the uncomfortable conversation of telling fiends she's not drinking. She will be able to interact on the same wave length as her friends. She feels more confident after a couple of drinks. She has a great time. 

This is why sometimes knowing why you want to change isn't enough. As I mentioned before the benefits are blindingly obvious. So the question you really need to ask is "What would you lose if you did change ?"

In the example above you can see she is worried about losing that interaction with her friends, missing out on fun and shaking off the stress of the week. There is also fear of judgement thrown in over telling her friends. You can see how despite her apparent desire to change this behaviour there is a lot to lose. Remember this is all done at a subconscious level, meaning we don't even realise consciously his is happening, our brains are design do keeps us in that comfort zone. 

So how do you spot a secondary gain? 

It start's with awareness. Can you see a pattern of behaviour when trying to change? Do you get so far and then become stuck unable to move forwards?

Once you see it then you have to get real honest with yourself. Ask the question what do you have to lose if you do it?

The next step is to replace those losses with other things that provide the same desired outcomes you would have gotten from the undesirable behaviour you are trying to change.  For example if the desired outcome was connection then how else could you connect with your friends. If the desired outcome was to de-stress, how else could you relax?

Sometimes working with a professional can help identify secondary gains because they aren't easy to spot and it does require you to go inwards and go on a self discovery journey, but t's totally worth it. 

Vanessa x

P.S Always felt free to reach out to me [email protected] I love having conversations on all things mindset and fitness.